That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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