you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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