Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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