Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
