You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
