Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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