i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
