My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
