You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
