Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
