I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
