Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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