I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
