i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
