No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
