if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize