There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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