If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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