nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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