You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
