i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize