FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
