The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
