I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
