I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Randomize
