Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i drank out of a bidet.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
