new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I got inside last night via doggy door
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
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