Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
