Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
