she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
