I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize