dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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