we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
