see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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