My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
