I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
