Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
