There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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