I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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