I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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