Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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