a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
