i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
