remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
