I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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