I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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