did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Text me some of your sweat
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
