when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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