my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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