Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
