Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
