he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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