I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
