i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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