The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Randomize
