I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
