Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
