My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize