I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
