I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I cockslap morals
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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