Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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