"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
