Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize