i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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