i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
