I accidentally had phone sex last night
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
