if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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